đŹ New Year, New Fears: Kicking Off 2025 with Horror, Humor, and a Side of Chaos! đ€đȘ
đđ©ž HAPPY NEW YEAR, AMIGOS (GE-ERDS)! đ©žđ
How’re y’all on this amazingly dreadful first day of the year? Why dreadful, you ask? Well, WHAT EVEN IS HAPPY ABOUT TODAY? Donât know about you, but itâs absolutely terrifying going into the new year with a bank balance that looks emptier than some of y’all’s skulls when voting season rolls around. And letâs not even talk about the existential dread creeping in like a discount Pennywise at a kid’s birthday party.
Oh, and if you didnât already know, weâve got an Insta and an X (Twitter for you boomers) page now! Yeah, go check out that crazy-ass Isagi edit Sloth made and those sickeningly cute and stylish posters by Scarlett for upcoming romance animes and movies. Seriously, Sloth worked so hard his eyebags have leveled up to âFinal Bossâ status.
ANYWAY. Today, weâre diving into the beautifully horrifying chaos of some of the most iconic horror franchises to ever haunt your screens and your sanity. If you’re into sleep-deprived ghouls, cursed VHS tapes, demonic nuns, possessed houses, and timelines so messy they make your exâs red flags look like polite suggestionsâwell, youâre in for a treat.
Grab your emotional support holy water, double-check your locks, and keep your therapist on speed dial because this Reaper is about to drag you through the foggy, blood-soaked corridors of cinematic terror. Catch a support chair or something, for this Reaper is going to change tones and sing you poetry. đ
Welcome to Horror Franchises: The Yearly Trauma Round-Up. đ„đ€đȘ
The Evil Dead Franchise
The Evil Dead franchiseâwhere trees arenât just decorative, chainsaws are fashion accessories, and Bruce Campbellâs chin deserves its own IMDb page. Kicking off in 1981 with The Evil Dead (Sam Raimiâs low-budget gore fest that said, âWhat if we made a cabin in the woods the worst Airbnb ever?â), followed by 1987âs Evil Dead II (basically a chaotic remake-sequel hybrid with slapstick horror vibes and more goo than a Nickelodeon awards show). Then comes 1992âs Army of Darkness, where Ash time-travels to medieval times because… chainsaw logic, and drops iconic one-liners like âGroovyâ and âThis is my boomstick!â Fast forward to the *2013 reboot (Evil Dead) that decided subtlety is for cowards and drenched everything in 12 gallons of fake blood per second. And finally, 2023 gave us Evil Dead Rise, swapping the forest for a haunted high-rise and reminding us that motherhood and Deadites donât mix well. Gore, guts, and groovy one-linersâitâs a franchise that said, âHorror? Comedy? Why not both?â Now grab your chainsaw, baby, because the Evil Dead universe doesnât do âcalm.â Hail to the king, baby.
The Conjuring Universe
The Conjuring Universeâwhere every creak in your house, shadow in the corner, and slightly ajar door is basically an open invitation for a demon to move in rent-free. Kicking off in 2013 with The Conjuring, James Wan gave us ghost-hunting power couple Ed and Lorraine Warren, played by Patrick “Steely Stare” Wilson and Vera “I’m So Done With Ghosts” Farmiga. Then came 2014âs Annabelle, because haunted dolls are apparently so fetch in the demon world. In 2016, The Conjuring 2 decided one nun wasnât scary enoughâso hello, Valak! Then Annabelle: Creation (2017) gave us the dollâs tragic backstory because even haunted porcelain nightmares deserve lore. Next up, 2018âs The Nun said, âWhat if we put jump scares in a 1950s gothic church?â The Curse of La Llorona (2019) showed up and kinda⊠just stood there awkwardly. Then Annabelle Comes Home (2019) basically turned the Warrens’ artifact room into an Airbnb for demons. Finally, 2021 brought us The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It, where the Warrens fought Satan and the American legal system because why not multitask? With every movie, one thingâs clearâghosts hate happy couples, basements are always bad news, and honestly, Ed and Lorraine deserve a vacation. Now grab your holy water, Karen, because this cinematic haunted house tour isnât slowing down anytime soon.
28 Days Later Series
Ah yes, 28 Days Later (2002)âthe OG âOops, I accidentally started a rage-zombie apocalypseâ flick directed by Danny Boyle. This isnât your grandpaâs slow, groaning undeadâthese zombies sprint like theyâve had six Red Bulls and a motivational TED Talk. Cillian Murphy wakes up buck-naked in a hospital (classic start), finds London emptier than my DMs, and realizes humanityâs on the brink because someone thought poking rage-infected monkeys was a bright idea. Then came 28 Weeks Later (2007), where they said, âWhat if we took all the trauma from the first movie⊠and cranked it to 11?â With Robert Carlyle abandoning his family faster than you abandon New Yearâs resolutions, and a virus spreading quicker than spoilers on Twitter, this sequel slapped. Both movies gave us haunting imagery of desolate cities, an eerie soundtrack, and the gentle reminder that humans are sometimes way scarier than zombies. Now we wait for 28 Years Later, which has been âcoming soonâ for so long itâs basically the Elden Ring of horror sequels. Grab your crowbar, avoid eye contact with infected monkeys, and rememberâif they start running⊠you better start running faster.
The Insidious Franchise
Ah, Insidiousâthe franchise that said, âWhat if jump scares were a love language?â It all began in 2010 when James Wan and Leigh Whannell decided to ruin our sleep schedules forever. First up: Insidious (2010)âwhere Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne discover their kid isnât in a coma, heâs astral-projecting into Satanâs haunted Airbnb. Then came Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013)âbecause apparently, one visit to the creepy ghost dimension wasnât enough, and Patrick Wilson got possessed by Discount Jack Nicholson. Fast forward to Insidious: Chapter 3 (2015)âa prequel where Lin Shayeâs Elise Rainier reminds us sheâs the MVP ghost-hunting grandma we never knew we needed. Then came Insidious: The Last Key (2018)âwhere Elise gets a full backstory and we all collectively realized keys should never grow out of peopleâs fingers. And finally, Insidious: The Red Door (2023)âwhere the Lambert family trauma comes full circle, proving that repressed memories are scarier than any demon in the Further. Moral of the story? Never astral project, never ignore red doors, and for the love of horror tropesânever live in a house with flickering lights. Cue Tiny Timâs âTiptoe Through the Tulipsâ⊠forever.
The Ring Franchise
Ah, The Ring franchiseâthe reason every millennial and Gen Z kid developed trust issues with VHS tapes and static TVs. It all started with Ringu (1998) in Japan, where a cursed videotape and a wet-haired cryptid named Sadako decided to turn home entertainment into a death trap. Hollywood, being Hollywood, said, âHold my Starbucks,â and gave us The Ring (2002)âwhere Naomi Watts played detective-mom against Samara, Americaâs answer to Sadako, and made seven days feel like a death sentence. Then came The Ring Two (2005)âwhere Samara decided, âWhy stop at VHS? Letâs do bathtubs now.â Fast forward to Rings (2017)âa sequel/reboot nobody asked for, where cursed videos go digital because even vengeful spirits need to adapt to streaming platforms. Oh, and letâs not forget the Sadako vs. Kayako (2016) crossover, where Japan said, âLetâs have two iconic ghost girls catfight in an abandoned house like itâs WrestleMania.â Moral of the story? If you see a cursed tape, donât watch it. If you hear strange noises from your TV, donât investigate. And if a creepy, waterlogged child crawls out of your screenâjust yeet the TV out the window and run. Seven days? More like zero secondsâIâm out.
A Nightmare On Elm Street Series
Ah, A Nightmare on Elm Streetâthe franchise that turned sleep, something already hard enough for insomniacs, into a death wish. It all started in 1984 when Wes Craven said, âWhat if your sleep paralysis demon had a striped sweater, a fedora, and knives for fingers?â Enter Freddy Krueger, the wise-cracking, child-murdering janitor-turned-dream demon who made REM sleep the real final boss. Over nine films, including Freddyâs Revenge (1985), Dream Warriors (1987) (arguably the coolest squad in horror history), The Dream Master (1988), The Dream Child (1989), and Freddyâs Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)âspoiler, it wasnâtâthe franchise roller-skated between legit terror and over-the-top camp. Then came Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (1994), where Freddy went meta and made horror fans question if they were also in a horror movie. Oh, and letâs not forget the wrestling match of the century, Freddy vs. Jason (2003)âa slasher showdown so chaotic it shouldâve been refereed by Deadpool himself. Finally, the less said about the 2010 remake, the betterâletâs just agree that Jackie Earle Haley tried. Moral of the story? Donât fall asleep. Donât nap. Donât even blink for too long. Because Freddyâs not just in your dreamsâheâs in your nightmares, making puns, and absolutely wrecking your sleep schedule. Sweet dreams, sucker.
đŹđ€ FINAL WORD: SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF SCREAMS đ©žđȘ
Well, well, well⊠look who survived the haunted house tour of cinematic trauma! Give yourselves a round of applauseâor donât, because clapping might summon something from the shadows. Weâve slashed through timelines messier than your exâs relationship history, survived demonic possessions that make Monday Zoom calls look like childâs play, and learned one universal truth: if you hear creepy whispers in the dark⊠donât investigate.
But hey, horror isnât just about jump scares and unnecessary sequelsâitâs about vibes. Itâs about feeling alive while watching someone else very much not alive. Itâs about bonding over screaming, âDONâT GO IN THERE!â at the screen, knowing full well they will go in there because plot convenience.
And if youâve stuck around this long, congratsâyouâre either a true horror fan or someone with an unhealthy attachment to my unhinged commentary. Either way, Iâm proud of you. Now go forth, rewatch these franchises, make questionable popcorn choices, and sleep with one eye open.
Oh, and before I forgetâfollow us on Insta and X, drop a like, comment something unhinged, or just send us a cryptic emoji at 3AM. Sloth and I thrive on chaos.
Until next time, amigosâstay spooky, stay sarcastic, and remember: if you hear creepy nursery rhymes echoing in your hallway tonight⊠itâs already too late. đ€đđ»
