A Maidenless Tries to Find Romance in the Wrong Places
WARNING: This piece of content contains explicit material and viewer’s discretion is advised. This is a simp-post, not to be read everywhere. Elden Ring is rated 16+ and Witcher 3 is rated 18+, but we know how you bastards love to lie about your age. So, don’t read this in public, for we do not want our blog to be reported for nudity.
Romance- a luxury few gamers can afford. Sir, I sit comfortably in a dark room in front of a laptop. Lara Croft, the girls in Baldur’s Gate 3, the different romance options in Witcher 3, oh and Queen Marika from Elden Ring (the fandom version, a true Mommy), these are what I can confidently think about. Dating sims have taught me I have enough rizz. But talking to girls irl? Nahhhh. I mean, I can get a girl if I want, sure. But I choose to remain single. As Dan Bennett says, 10’s only season. Sorted.
Sup gamers, Sloth here, and if you haven’t guessed it already, I have an unhealthy addiction for Elden Ring. Marika’s tits, I swear it’s Reaper’s fault. Let’s talk more about romance, though. And what’s a better place to start than a game when you’re mocked at the beginning for being “maidenless”. FromSoftware’s latest RPG (well not latest anymore, since Nightreign is looming on the horizon) is no different from the others, featuring dark and apocalyptic worlds with extremely little to no romance. Did that stop the horny mass known as the playerbase from scouring the game world looking for female characters and choosing their favourite waifus? Definitely not. Also… Varre, according to the community, the dead maiden in the Chapel of Anticipation was ours. She was killed by Godrick’s men. We Tarnished aren’t maidenless!
We do have quite a levy of maidens to choose from, lucky us. Melina who offered us a spectral horse and later threatened to deliver punishment upon us if we killed her horse, Fia who would sleep with people on their deathbed but also hugged us whenever we wanted, Nepheli, a muscle mommy with chocolatey skin (mhm… sexy), Roderika, the kindest girl in that world, Rya, dream girl of anyone into bestiality (does she produce eggs?), Millicent, who was suffering from scarlet rot and yet didn’t give up, Hyetta, the crazy girl who wanted to be burnt by the flames of Chaos, Sellen, who was later revealed to be quite the beauty under the mask, Ranni, a doll that can talk and do many things (how does she even… nvm), are some of them.
Elden Ring gamers aren’t to be underestimated, though. We’ve even started eyeing the female bosses. From Renalla, with the otherworldly beauty you see in Renaissance paintings to Malenia, the most powerful hence most craved (she gonna get my babies one day). And then, there are some new female NPCs and bosses introduced in the DLC, like Romina, a bug woman (?) and… Metyr, mother of fingers (definitely a MILF I’d stay away from). Let’s really get into the topic I’d wanted to discuss though.
Romance in Elden Ring is tragic and symbolic. In one ending, you become Ranni’s consort, go with her on a trip for a thousand years and leave the Lands Between on its own to heal and mend. It involves breaking the shackles of the Greater Will and embracing the unknown. This is an act of trust and devotion. Well, you don’t get betrayed in the end, so I guess your love was not misplaced. Though it is sad that you leave a land infested by deathblight and other dangerous creatures to elope with someone who basically caused it all. Love really is blind, huh?
There’s Fia, symbolizing a nurturing yet sorrowful love. Her role as a Deathbed Companion is to cradle the dead and offer them a last few moments of peace before they move on. Near the end of her questline, she decides to sleep with Godwyn’s corpse and bear the first of Dead demigods in the form of a rune. But at the end, she dies to D’s brother. While not romance, there’s the bond between Melina and the Tarnished. Unless you use the frenzied flame at the Forge of the Giants, she sacrifices herself to set the Erdtree on fire. And if you do use the Frenzied Flame to burn the Erdtree, she vows to kill you. A relationship that doesn’t have any conclusion, that’s what it is.
Then, there’s- “oh stfu talk about other games too, you Elden Ring addict”
Sigh! Fine…
What should I talk about next… Ahh, got it! The Witcher 3! Geralt is a rather charismatic man, with two primary romance options and five secondary ones. And then there are the brothels you can visit provided you have the 40 crowns necessary. The first (and my favourite) is Yennefer. She does seem rude, condescending, self-important and aloof, but Yen is a very emotional person who prior to the games was afraid of forming attachments with others. This is a lot clearer if you know about their backstory. Also, Geralt left her. After they first met in the Last Wish, he left her sleeping with a flower on the pillow and she didn’t see him again for years I think it was. He was the first to be scared of the attachment, and after that it reads to me that she hardened herself against that rejection. Oh, and she’s just my type, but whatever.
Second, Triss. Triss’ relationship with Geralt, while rocky like any of his “good” relationships are, goes a long way. They’re very charming and sweet together; they tend to discuss their disagreements peacefully and don’t treat each other with toxicity. I like Triss for her wit, her sass, her courage and all that. She’s funny and enjoyable to be around. I’m not the best at explaining characters, sadly; I just really do like Triss as a character, flaws and all, regardless of her being a romantic interest – and I think she is a good pair with CDPR’s Geralt. Book Yen is the best match for Geralt, but CDPR’s Triss is great and far better than their Yen.
That aside, DON’T try to romance Triss and Yen together. Yes, I’m looking at you horny brats. I’ve tried it, and let me tell you, its not worth it. They tell you they wanna share you, but then they cuff you to a bed and leave. After this, any conversation regarding romance with either of the two women will result in them telling you to fuck off. There are some secondary romances too, like Keira Metz, Madame Sasha, Jutta an Dimum, Shani from the Hearts of Stone DLC, and Syanna from Blood and Wine DLC. And if you’re incapable of scoring any of them, the brothels are always up and running.
That was it for today. Moral of this blog? Stop looking for girls in-game and go talk to them irl. And, yeah don’t point at me. I’ve rizz, I swear. So long, peeps. Happy procrastinating!
